It has been a long time since I have talked about my Binge Eating Disorder, and the last post I had written on it was a happy article describing how I was overcoming it and how good I felt. That was awesome, except for the fact that it lasted less than fifty days. Anxiety, stress and other stuff soon started to make me feel overwhelmed and I just fell again.
Every time my brain and my nerves feel like they can’t take it anymore, my mind’s response is: why don’t you eat? I have always found relief in that, and the worst part is knowing how unhealthy it is but still being unable to stop it.
The fact is that I binge eat no matter what my emotions are. If I’m happy, sad, worried, anxious, I still do it anyway. I have seriously tried so many different ways to stop it, but nothing seems to work out for me. And moreover, the consequence is that my body shape is getting worse and worse. I have been dealing with cellulite since I was about nine years old, which is an extremely young age, and since that age everything as just turned into a mess. At first, it was only about my thighs: they were getting bigger and that was it, I didn’t care that much since I was just a child. My parents did warn me and tried to make me exercise, but in the wrong way. I was probably an anxious little girl already and all they tried to do was getting me to play team sports. I played volleyball, basketball and did some swimming classes which all led to anxiety and panic.
Despite my hate towards exercising in a public place, things weren’t dramatic. My thighs were slightly bigger and that didn’t cause a major problem. Yet. I then went through middle school and high school, and that’s where something else happened: I also started to follow a very unhealthy eating plan, with tons of junk food when nobody could see me. This bad eating, added to my “no-exercise” lifestyle, just damaged my body. I started gaining even more weight and cellulite, not just on my thighs, but also on my butt, which was getting bigger and bigger, causing me so much shame. During the second year of high school, my left knee was injured. The muscle (don’t ask me for the specific name in English) couldn’t hold the weight of my bottom part anymore, and my knee got stuck. After going to the hospital and all that procedure, they fixed it, and for a year and a half, nothing happened, while I kept on following my bad lifestyle. Then it happened again, three times in a range of four months. Luckily enough, I had learned how to fix my knee myself, and so I did; the pain usually disappeared in a few days.
Owing to those injuries, I can’t sit on the ground on my knees. I can’t bend my knee more that ninety degree and I can’t lie it completely flat. I mean, I can do all of those things, but I’m too scared that they will get my knee stuck again. Now I have told you my little knee story just to let you know how much my body weight and my B.E.D. have influenced my life, and still do every day. There is no easy way for me to stop.
All those people saying: “Just don’t do that”, simply don’t know how it feels. Only those who are going through the same thing can fully understand what it is like to be aware of destroying your body from the inside and being unable to stop.
I definitely need a solution, and it has nothing to do with physical appearance. Now my cellulite has gone up by body, and it has already reached my hips, my belly, my rib cage, and my breast will be next step for sure. But the reason why I need to work this out has nothing to do with body weight. I love myself, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves my body so much I can’t fully understand it.
I need to it for myself, for my health, for my future and for my confidence. So if any of you is going through the same thing or as managed to overcome it, please just let me know. My biggest problem is my mind, which keeps me from sticking to a healthy diet, making me feel like I need to eat what I crave.
If you are interested in reading the old posts I have written months ago about my eating disorder, you can find them all on my blog, under the “B.E.D.” category: https://shiningstar4.wordpress.com/category/b-e-d/
I understand this is a complete different attitude than the one I had in the old post, but I just wanted to write this to put my thoughts and emotions in one place and maybe finding someone’s help. Thank you for sticking with me, I truly appreciate it. I will see you next time with a new post. And it will be way happier, I promise 😉
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